HANK

Hi and welcome to “In a Moment” where we get to see how every day humans use mindfulness to improve and enrich their lives. There are 1,440 minutes in a day, each presenting an opportunity to dive in, breathe, look around, feel within and authentically experience being alive. From there, we can make truly informed choices that align with our values. Let’s see what’s up with Hank!

HANK

Driving through the desert back home from a 7 day silent retreat, Hank felt an emptiness in his stomach roaring for attention. The past week had been nourishing, with vegetarian meals 3 times a day and access to healthy snacks between gatherings. He loved the food and the opportunity to eat in community in silence, slowly enjoying each bite without the need to make or listen to conversation. These yearly forays into himself were a welcome respite from his busy professional and home life. Having discovered meditation in his youth, his 40 year practice included daily sits in the morning before his commute and, more recently, watching the growing interest in Mindfulness since the pandemic brought so many people to their spiritual and emotional knees. He shared his skill as a facilitator with friends and grew his online practice to include 1,000’s of followers. Including one woman who had tapped him on the shoulder the first day of the retreat before noble silence began.

Lois was gorgeous and undeniably his type. And he, evidently was  hers. Turns out she had been in one of his online meditation offerings and was thrilled to meet him in person. Hank, not so much. Recently and happily married, the last thing he needed in his life was the temptation of a beautiful, interested and available woman. While silence was a requirement of this, and many retreats, romance was often a side effect of the opening of hearts and vulnerability accessed through hours of daily meditation. He successfully avoided her frequent gazes when they crossed paths and made sure to sit at a crowded table to avoid her dining company. As the week unfolded he felt more and more calm and confident in his ability to deflect thoughts of acting on desire to explore this carnal joy which had always been a big part of his life. When images or sensations of coupling with her arose during a sit he simply let them drift away and refocused on his breath.

The last day, as he made his way back to his car, he gratefully to noted Lois was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he had made up the attraction? Maybe it was he rather than she who had generated a distinct pheromonal vibe? Nope, he had been right because there on his windshield was a note with a phone number and the name, Lois. He looked around, saw no one, grabbed the piece of paper and shoved it in his pocket as there was no trash can nearby. Or so he told himself.

The stretch of highway back home was littered with fast food venues, mom and pop burger joints, tourist candy, beer and jerky shops and pop up fruit, produce and sun hat stands. The hunger in his stomach was now a slow growl even though he’d had a sturdy breakfast of oatmeal, almonds, banana and a hard boiled egg, just half an hour ago. So why, he wondered, was he salivating over the thought of a huge meaty sandwich, fatty fries dripping in salted oil and a frosted vanilla milk shake? He was feeling great in his 25 lb lighter body and had thoroughly enjoyed the retreat’s culinary offerings. He hadn’t eaten junk food since meeting his new wife a year ago, so why now was it calling to him like a siren along the roadside?

Insight or Vipassana meditation asks that we simply observe thoughts and feelings before acting on them, with curiosity and compassion. Hank knew exactly what was going on from his past cycles with weight gain and loss over the course of his richly libinous life. His appetite for sex had always been high and while he had never stepped out during his first marriage, when it ended he’d truly enjoyed the freedom to couple whenever, however and with whomever he liked. When he decided to settle down and marry again he came to enjoy domestic security and comfort for the first time in over 15 years. While less passionate than his first marraige  he cherished the enriching union and had promised hismself he would not threaten it by giving in to moments of lust.

This gnawing in his stomach wasn’t for food. It was for safety.  Gaining weight was how he had kept his libido in check whenever a woman showed interest in him during the difficult years of his previous marriage. He knew he would never act out on his attractions if he didn’t feel comfortable in his body. A 20 lb battle cycled around the occasions when someone flirted with him or he felt the desire to do so himself.  He didn’t trust he would say no when he was proud of his slimmer body, so a protective part of himself put on the brakes with burger binges, pizza parties of one and liters of soda. 

At the stop sign just across from a red, yellow and orange hotspot of deep fried delights Hank took a breath and then another, observed what was going on outside and inside himself and then put his foot on the accelerator to quickly drive past the tempting old habit. The STOP technique  (Stop. Take a breath, Observe, Proceed) was one of many tools he taught in his mindfulness workshops and now helped him pull out of an old thought loop that had kept him safe from adultery over the years but worn on his knees, his pancreas, his waistline and his self esteem. Picking up speed on the freeway he reached into his pocket, retrieved the temptation named Lois and rolled down the window. Tossing the crumpled note, he watched the wind sweep away an old part of himself as his stomach calmed with the safety of knowing his renewed vows and values would propel him forward without the need for a 20 lb suit of armor.