FRED AND GIL

Hi and welcome to “In a Moment” where we get to see how every day humans use mindfulness to improve and enrich their lives. There are 1,440 minutes in a day, each presenting an opportunity to dive in, breathe, look around, feel within and authentically experience being alive. From there, we can make truly informed choices that align with our values. Let’s see what’s up with Fred and Gil!

 As Fred washed up the morning dishes from a lovingly crafted brunch, Gil wrapped his arms around his waist and whispered in his ear, “Let’s stay in and catch up with Succession.” Fred’s shoulders tightened, noting that his husband and he had been disagreeing more about how they’d spend their one shared free day together. The last thing Fred wanted to do was watch their favorite show when the sun was shining and the air was a perfect temperature and quality. “I dunno, how about a hike? It’s gonna be a perfect day.” Gil stepped away and Fred could feel the distance once again separating them. “Nah, that’s okay. I’ll watch something else.” The ice in his voice made Fred’s heart sink and he closed his eyes with his hands in the soapy water. Gil’s retreating footsteps sounded like a judge’s gavel, thunking out a life sentence on their newly minted marriage.

The dishes offered a sense opportunity to calm the cascade of fearful thoughts and Fred focused on the sponge, the china’s surface, the warm water. He’d recently learned this technique of centering in the present moment when life tossed rocks into his lake of calm. If he stayed in the here and now, the ripples would recede before reaching the shore, rather than build up into a tsunami that swept away everything in its path. He breathed deeply, wiped his hands and turned around feeling calmer. It was now time to practice a tool they had discussed in couple’s therapy. The DESC model.

Fred approached Gil with a smile. Sitting on the coach he put his hand on his husband’s leg. “Hon, I’ve noticed we’re not on the same page a lot recently, which worries me as it brings up a lot of abandonment fear. Can we talk about it because I really want us to work out.“ Fred asked gently. Gil had never heard Fred talk this way and his first instinct was to snark back with some edgy quip about therapy finally paying off. But the look in Fred’s eyes broadcast authentic fear and how hard this was for him to try a new way to communicate. Gil took a deep breath and his heart softened as he recognized the offering being presented. He put his hand on Fred’s and smiled, welcoming the invitation to re-connect in honest dialogue about their relationship needs.

The D.E.S.C. model of communication is taught in couple’s and family therapy, anger management and parenting workshops, institutional trainings and a variety of other programs designed to help people develop healthy ways of relating to each other.  I first learned about in during my years in working with bariatric patients seeking to lose weight prior to their weight loss surgeries. Why did the organization for whom I worked feel it was helpful to address relationship skills in a surgical preparation program? Because the research consistently shows that the number one cause of weight regain is stress. And our number one cause of stress comes from relationships.  By improving our relationships, so goes the thinking (and evidence), we lower our instances of stress, which has the trickle down effect of improving health.

D: Describe the situation

E: Express how you feel about it

S: Suggest a solution you’d like to discuss

C: Compassionately offer a positive or negative consequence that could arise from the conversation.

This is the DESC model that Fred and Gil had learned, but never before practiced.  Fred had to manage his internal feelings of anxiety about his marriage ending if he dared to speak his truth before he could use the tool effectively. By focusing on the task of dish washing and the sensations experienced in the moment, he was able to lower his sympathetic nervous system’s  (autopilot) response that wanted him to fight, flee or freeze. His usual coping mechanism was burying (fleeing) his feelings and hoping for the best. It took just a couple of minutes (out of his 1,440 daily allotment) to feel the calm that allowed him to trust that trying the technique would yield a better outcome than their usual sweep under the rug approach to problems.

D: “Hon, I’ve noticed that we’re not on the same page a lot recently.

E: Which worries me as it brings up a lot of abandonment fear.

S: Can we talk about it…?

C: ..because I really want us to work out.”

When Fred initiated the communication, Gil felt his own fear (of intimacy) factor arise and the desire to avoid it by using a sarcasm shield. Fortunately he was as invested in the relationship as Fred and was ready to try something new. By accepting the offer of a real discussion rather than slinging accusatory arrows at his loved one he opened up the possibility that his own concerns could be heard and that both of them could share that intimacy he’d so longed for. Not just physical, but the safety of knowing his hurt and pain could be held by someone else without feeling judged or that the other person wanted to fix or save him. Simply taking a breath calmed his system enough to join Fred in a leap into the unknown. No matter what lay ahead, they knew it couldn’t be worse than what they’d been doing so far!

Keep practicing! I’ll see you in a moment.